A bicycle can't stand alone; it is two tired. 

A will is a dead giveaway.

Time flies like an arrow; fruit flies like a banana.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it's your vote that counts; in feudalism, it's your Count that votes.

A chicken crossing the road:

poultry in motion.

If you don't pay your exorcist you can get repossessed.

With her marriage she got a new name 

and a dress.

Show me a piano falling down a mine shaft and I'll show you A-flat miner.

When a clock is hungry it goes back 

four seconds.

The guy who fell onto an upholstery machine was fully recovered.

A grenade fell onto a kitchen floor in France resulted in 

Linoleum Blownapart.

You are stuck with your debt

if you can't budge it.

Local Area Network in Australia: 

The LAN down under.

He broke into song because he couldn't find the key.

A calendar's days are numbered.

A lot of money is tainted:

'Taint yours, and 'taint mine.

A boiled egg is hard to beat.

He had a photographic memory 

which was never developed.

A plateau is a high form of flattery.