We all love to see our prescious little
children in church. But sometimes they don't always hear what we
say! Read on for some real eye
openers. LOL
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A father was approached by his small son who told him proudly, "I know
what the Bible means!"
His father smiled and replied, "What do you mean, you 'know' what the
Bible means?
The son replied, "I do know!"
"Okay," said his father. "What does the Bible mean?"
"That's easy, Daddy..." the young boy replied excitedly," It stands for
'Basic Information Before Leaving Earth.' (This one is my favorite)
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There was a very gracious lady
who was mailing an old family Bible to her
brother in another part of the country.
"Is there anything breakable in here?" asked the postal clerk.
"Only the Ten Commandments." answered the lady.
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"Somebody has said there are
only two kinds of people in the world. There
are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good morning, Lord," and
there are those who wake up in the morning and say, "Good Lord, it's
morning." |
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A minister parked his car in a
no-parking zone in a large city because he
was short of time and couldn't find a space with a meter.
Then he put a note under the windshield wiper that read: "I have circled
the block 10 times. If I don't park here, I'll miss my appointment.
Forgive
us our trespasses."
When he returned, he found a citation from a police officer along with
this
note "I've circled this block for 10 years. If I don't give you a ticket
I'll lose my job. Lead us not into temptation."
While driving in Pennsylvania ,
a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy
efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in
exhaust."
People want the front of the
bus, the back of the church, and the center
of attention.
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There is the story of a pastor
who got up one Sunday and announced to his
congregation: "I have good news and bad news. The good news is, we have
enough money to pay for our new building program. The bad news is, it's
still out there in your pockets." |
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While driving in Pennsylvania ,
a family caught up to an Amish carriage.
The owner of the carriage obviously had a sense of humor, because
attached to the back of the carriage was a hand printed sign... "Energy
efficient vehicle: Runs on oats and grass. Caution: Do not step in
exhaust." |
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A Sunday School teacher began
her lesson with a question, "Boys and
girls, what do we know about God?"
A hand shot up in the air. "He is an artist!" said the kindergarten boy.
"Really? How do you know?" the teacher asked.
"You know - Our Father, who does art in Heaven... " |
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A minister waited in line to
have his car filled with gas just before a
long holiday weekend. The attendant worked quickly, but there were many
cars ahead of him. Finally, the attendant motioned him toward a vacant
pump.
"Reverend," said the young man, "I'm so sorry about the delay. It seems
as
if everyone waits until the last minute to get ready for a long trip."
The minister chuckled, "I know what you mean. It's the same in my
business." |

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Sunday after church, a Mom asked
her very young daughter what the lesson
was about.
The daughter answered, "Don't be scared, you'll get your quilt."
Needless to say, the Mom was perplexed. Later in the day, the pastor
stopped by for tea and the Mom asked him what that morning's Sunday
school
lesson was about.
He said "Be not afraid, thy comforter is coming." |
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The minister was preoccupied with thoughts of how he was going to ask
the
congregation to come up with more money than they were expecting for
repairs to the church building. Therefore, he was annoyed to find that
the regular organist was sick and a substitute had been brought in at
the
last minute. The substitute wanted to know what to play.
"Here's a copy of the service," he said impatiently. "But, you'll have
to
think of something to play after I make the announcement about the
finances."
During the service, the minister paused and said, "Brothers and Sisters,
we are in great difficulty; the roof repairs cost twice as much as we
expected and we need $4,000 more. Any of you who can pledge $100 or
more,
please stand up."
At that moment, the substitute organist played "The Star Spangled
Banner."
And that is how the substitute became the regular organist! |
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A little girl was talking to her
teacher about whales. The teacher said it was physically
impossible for a whale to swallow a human because even though it
was a very large mammal its throat was very small.
The little girl stated that Jonah was swallowed by a whale.
Irritated, the teacher reiterated that a whale could not swallow a
human; it was physically impossible.
The little girl said, 'When I get to heaven I will ask Jonah'.
The teacher asked, 'What if Jonah went to hell?'
The little girl replied, 'Then you ask him'.
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A Kindergarten teacher was observing her classroom of children while
they were drawing. She would occasionally walk around to see each
child's work.
As she got to one little girl who was working diligently, she asked
what the drawing was.
The girl replied, 'I'm drawing God.'
The teacher paused and said, 'But no one knows what God looks like.'
Without missing a beat, or looking up from her drawing, the girl
replied, 'They will in a minute.'
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The children were lined up in the cafeteria of a Catholic elementary
school for lunch. At the head of the table was a large pile of apples.
The nun made a note, and posted on the apple tray:
'Take only ONE . God is watching.'
Moving further along the lunch line, at the other end of the table was
a large pile of chocolate chip cookies.
A child had written a note, 'Take all you want. God is watching the
apples..'
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These sentences (with all the bloopers)
actually appeared in church bulletins or were announced at church services:
The Fasting & Prayer Conference includes meals.
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The sermon this morning: 'Jesus Walks on the Water.' The sermon
tonight: 'Searching for Jesus.'
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Ladies, don't forget the rummage sale. It's a chance to get rid of
those things not worth keeping
around the house. Bring your husbands.
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Remember in prayer the many who are sick of our community. Smile at
someone who is hard to
love. Say 'Hell' to someone who doesn't care much about you.
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Don't let worry kill you off - let the Church help.
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Miss Charlene Mason sang 'I will not pass this way again,' giving
obvious pleasure to the
congregation.
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For those of you who have children and don't know it, we have a nursery
downstairs.
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Next Thursday there will be tryouts for the choir. They need all the
help they can get.
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Irving Benson and Jessie Carter were married on October 24 in the
church. So ends a friendship
that began in their school days.
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A bean supper will be held on Tuesday evening in the church hall. Music
will follow...
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At the evening service tonight, the sermon topic will be 'What Is
Hell?' Come early and listen to
our choir practice.
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Eight new choir robes are currently needed due to the addition of
several new members and to the
deterioration of some older ones.
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Scouts are saving aluminum cans, bottles and other items to be
recycled. Proceeds will be used to
cripple children.
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Please place your donation in the envelope along with the deceased
person you want remembered.
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The church will host an evening of fine dining, super entertainment and
gracious hostility.
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Potluck supper Sunday at 5:00 PM - prayer and medication to follow.
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The ladies of the Church have cast off clothing of every kind. They may
be seen in the basement
on Friday afternoon.
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This evening at 7 PM there will be a hymn singing in the park across
from the Church. Bring a
blanket and come prepared to sin.
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Ladies Bible Study will be held Thursday morning at 10 A.M . All ladies
are invited to lunch in the
Fellowship Hall after the B. S. Is done.
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The pastor would appreciate it if the ladies of the Congregation would
lend him their electric
girdles for the pancake breakfast next Sunday.
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Low Self Esteem Support Group will meet Thursday at 7 P.M . Please use
the back door.
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The eighth-graders will be presenting Shakespeare's Hamlet in the
Church basement Friday at 7
P.M . The congregation is invited to attend this tragedy.
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Weight Watchers will meet at 7 PM at the First Presbyterian Church.
Please use large double
door at the side entrance.
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The Associate Minister unveiled the church's new campaign slogan last
Sunday: 'I Upped My
Pledge - Up Yours.
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