Ponderisms

· I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes. · There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead. · Healthy is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die. · The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth. · Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing. · Have you noticed since everyone has a camcorder these days no one talks about seeing UFOs like they used to? · Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

· Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again. · All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism. · In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take Prozac to make it normal. · How is it one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire? · Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, 'I think I'll squeeze these dangly things and drink whatever comes out'? · If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why is there a song about him? · If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests? · If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from vegetables, then what is baby oil made from? · Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet Soup? · Does pushing the elevator button more than once make it arrive faster?