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Puns for Educated Minds Or For Those With A Slightly Elevated IQ (very slight)


1. The fattest knight at King Arthur's round table was Sir Cumference -- too much pi.

2. I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian .

3. She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

4. A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

5. No matter how much you push the envelope, it'll still be stationery.

6. A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

7. A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

8. Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

9. A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are
looking into it.

10. Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.
Do you suffer from Migraines?
11. Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

12. Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said
to the other: 'You stay here; I'll go on a head.'

13. I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

14. A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab center said: 'Keep off the Grass.'

15. The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small
medium at large.

16. The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a
seasoned veteran.

17. A backward poet writes inverse.

Pain Relief for aching joints.

18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In feudalism it's your
count that votes.

19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a taste of religion.

20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be in Seine.

21. A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
flight attendant looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one
carrion allowed per passenger.'

22. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says 'Dam!'

23. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in
the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't
have your kayak and heat it, too.

Vital 28

24. Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The
other says 'Are you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'

25. Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
root canal? His goal: transcend dental medication.

26. There was the person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope
that at least one of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.

27.   A man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.

28.   Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.

29.   Practice safe eating - always use condiments.

30.   A man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.

31.   A hangover is the wrath of grapes.

32.   Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor play.

33.   Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?

34.   Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.

35.  When two egotists meet, it's an I for an I.

36.   What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give away.)

37.   In democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your count votes.

38.   She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg but broke it off.

39.  A chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.

40.   If you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed

41.   The man who fell into an upholstery machine is fully recovered.

42.   You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge it.

43.   Every calendar's days are numbered.

44.   A lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint mine.

45.   A boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.

46.   He had a photographic memory that was never developed.

47.   A midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a small medium at large.

48.   Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen a mall.

49.    Bakers trade bread recipes on a knead-to-know basis.

50.   Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.

51.   Acupuncture is a jab well done.

52.  I do not enjoy computer jokes . Not one bit .

53.  I changed my i Pod name to Titanic . It's syncing now .

54.  When chemists die, they barium .

55.  Jokes about German sausage are the wurst .

56.  I know a guy who's addicted to brake fluid . He says he can stop any time .

57.  How does Moses make his tea ? Hebrews it .

58.  I stayed up all night to see where the sun went. Then it dawned on me .

59.  This girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian club, but I'd never met herbivore .

60.  A guy got arrested for playing the guitar. For fingering A minor .

61.  I'm reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it down .

62.  I did a theatrical performance about puns . It was a play on words .

63.  They told me I had type A blood , but it was a Type- O.

64.  PMS jokes aren't funny, period .

65.  Why were the Indians here first ? They had reservations .

66.  Class trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there's no pop quiz .

67.  Energizer bunny arrested . Charged with battery .

68.  I didn't like my beard at first . Then it grew on me .

69.  How do you make holy water ? Boil the hell out of it !

70.  Did you hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job because she couldn't control her pupils ?

71.  When you get a bladder infection , urine trouble .

72.  What does a clock do when it's hungry ? It goes back four seconds .

73.  I wondered why the baseball was getting bigger . Then it hit me !

74.  Broken pencils are pointless .

75.  I tried to catch some fog . I mist.

76.  What do you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary ? A thesaurus .

77.  England has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .

78.  I used to be a banker, but then I lost interest .

79.  I dropped out of communism class because of lousy Marx .

80.  All the toilets in New York 's police stations have been stolen . Police have nothing to go on .

81.   I got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough .

82.  Haunted French pancakes give me the crepes .

83.  Velcro - what a rip off !

84.  Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are sketchy .

85.   Venison for dinner ? Oh deer !

86.  Earthquake in Washington obviously government's fault .

87.  I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure .


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