18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In
feudalism it's your
count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a
taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be
in Seine.
21. A vulture boards an
airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
flight attendant
looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one
carrion allowed
per passenger.'
22. Two fish swim
into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and
says 'Dam!'
23. Two Eskimos
sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
in
the craft.
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
you can't
have your kayak
and heat it, too. |
 |
24. Two hydrogen
atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The
other says 'Are
you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear
about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
root canal? His
goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the
person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope
that at least one
of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten
did.
27. A
man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
28.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
29.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
30. A
man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
31. A
hangover is the wrath of grapes.
32.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor
play.
33.
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
34.
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
35. When two
egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
36.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give
away.)
37. In
democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your
count votes.
38.
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg
but broke it off.
39. A
chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
40. If
you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
41.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
fully recovered.
42.
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge
it.
43.
Every calendar's days are numbered.
44. A
lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint
mine.
45. A
boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
46. He
had a photographic memory that was never
developed.
47. A
midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a
small medium at large.
48.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen
a mall.
49. Bakers trade bread recipes
on a knead-to-know basis.
50.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
51.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
52. I do not
enjoy computer jokes . Not one bit .
53. I
changed my i Pod name to Titanic . It's syncing
now .
54. When
chemists die, they barium .
55. Jokes
about German sausage are the wurst .
56. I know a
guy who's addicted to brake fluid . He says he can
stop any time .
57. How does
Moses make his tea ? Hebrews it .
58. I stayed
up all night to see where the sun went. Then it
dawned on me .
59. This
girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian
club, but I'd never met herbivore .
60. A guy
got arrested for playing the guitar. For fingering
A minor .
61. I'm
reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it
down .
62. I did a
theatrical performance about puns . It was a play
on words .
63. They
told me I had type A blood , but it was a Type- O.
64. PMS
jokes aren't funny, period .
65. Why were
the Indians here first ? They had reservations .
66. Class
trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there's no
pop quiz .
67.
Energizer bunny arrested . Charged with battery .
68. I didn't
like my beard at first . Then it grew on me .
69. How do
you make holy water ? Boil the hell out of it !
70. Did you
hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job
because she couldn't control her pupils ?
71. When you
get a bladder infection , urine trouble .
72. What
does a clock do when it's hungry ? It goes back
four seconds .
73. I
wondered why the baseball was getting bigger .
Then it hit me !
74. Broken
pencils are pointless .
75. I tried
to catch some fog . I mist.
76. What do
you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary ?
A thesaurus .
77. England
has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
78. I used
to be a banker, but then I lost interest .
79. I
dropped out of communism class because of lousy
Marx .
80. All the
toilets in New York 's police stations have been
stolen . Police have nothing to go on .
81. I
got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough .
82. Haunted
French pancakes give me the crepes .
83. Velcro -
what a rip off !
84.
Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are
sketchy .
85.
Venison for dinner ? Oh deer !
86.
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's
fault .
87. I used
to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure
. |
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