18. In a democracy it's your vote that counts. In
feudalism it's your
count that votes.
19. When cannibals ate a missionary, they got a
taste of religion.
20. If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you'd be
21. A vulture boards an
airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The
looks at him and says, 'I'm sorry, sir, only one
22. Two fish swim
into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and
23. Two Eskimos
sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire
Unsurprisingly it sank, proving once again that
have your kayak
and heat it, too.
24. Two hydrogen
atoms meet. One says, 'I've lost my electron.' The
other says 'Are
you sure?' The first replies, 'Yes, I'm positive.'
25. Did you hear
about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a
root canal? His
goal: transcend dental medication.
26. There was the
person who sent ten puns to friends, with the hope
that at least one
of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten
man's home is his castle, in a manor of speaking.
Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
Practice safe eating - always use condiments.
man needs a mistress just to break the monogamy.
hangover is the wrath of grapes.
Dancing cheek-to-cheek is really a form of floor
Does the name Pavlov ring a bell?
Reading while sunbathing makes you well red.
35. When two
egotists meet, it's an I for an I.
What's the definition of a will? (It's a dead give
democracy your vote counts. In feudalism your
She was engaged to a boyfriend with a wooden leg
but broke it off.
chicken crossing the road is poultry in motion.
you don't pay your exorcist, you get repossessed
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is
You feel stuck with your debt if you can't budge
Every calendar's days are numbered.
lot of money is tainted - Taint yours and taint
boiled egg in the morning is hard to beat.
had a photographic memory that was never
midget fortune-teller who escapes from prison is a
small medium at large.
Once you've seen one shopping centre, you've seen
49. Bakers trade bread recipes
on a knead-to-know basis.
Santa's helpers are subordinate clauses.
Acupuncture is a jab well done.
52. I do not
enjoy computer jokes . Not one bit .
changed my i Pod name to Titanic . It's syncing
chemists die, they barium .
about German sausage are the wurst .
56. I know a
guy who's addicted to brake fluid . He says he can
stop any time .
57. How does
Moses make his tea ? Hebrews it .
58. I stayed
up all night to see where the sun went. Then it
dawned on me .
girl said she recognized me from the vegetarian
club, but I'd never met herbivore .
60. A guy
got arrested for playing the guitar. For fingering
A minor .
reading a book about anti-gravity . I can't put it
62. I did a
theatrical performance about puns . It was a play
on words .
told me I had type A blood , but it was a Type- O.
jokes aren't funny, period .
65. Why were
the Indians here first ? They had reservations .
trip to the Coca-Cola factory . I hope there's no
pop quiz .
Energizer bunny arrested . Charged with battery .
68. I didn't
like my beard at first . Then it grew on me .
69. How do
you make holy water ? Boil the hell out of it !
70. Did you
hear about the cross eyed teacher who lost her job
because she couldn't control her pupils ?
71. When you
get a bladder infection , urine trouble .
does a clock do when it's hungry ? It goes back
four seconds .
wondered why the baseball was getting bigger .
Then it hit me !
pencils are pointless .
75. I tried
to catch some fog . I mist.
76. What do
you call a dinosaur with an extensive vocabulary ?
A thesaurus .
has no kidney bank, but it does have a Liverpool .
78. I used
to be a banker, but then I lost interest .
dropped out of communism class because of lousy
80. All the
toilets in New York 's police stations have been
stolen . Police have nothing to go on .
got a job at a bakery because I kneaded dough .
French pancakes give me the crepes .
83. Velcro -
what a rip off !
Cartoonist found dead in home . Details are
Venison for dinner ? Oh deer !
Earthquake in Washington obviously government's
87. I used
to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure